Tag Archives: whimsy

Better Than You

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snobMost of us run into folks like this along life’s journey. They’re especially prevalent online.

By Maggie Rascal

Hello, I’m new here,
And I’m better than you:
Smarter – kindlier –
Much cleverer too!
.
You’re stupid – you’re snooty –
You’re unworthy of my precious time.
As for me, it’s plain to see
I’m magnificent and sublime!
.
While I am Secretariat,
Or perhaps Seattle Slew,
The rest of you, a sorry lot,
Are destined to become glue.
.
This may seem rather blunt,
But that’s just how I am.
If my directness hurts you,
Frankly, I don’t give a damn.
.
Please do not advise me
To better communicate.
I’m quite capable in that regard;
My intent is to berate.
.
By laying out these facts,
I don’t mean to be unkind.
My superiority, once accepted,
Is a comfort, you will find.
.
Indeed, what I am doing
Should be welcomed by you all.
In pointing out your shortcomings,
I’m cushioning the fall.
Alas, a point of verity:
No one else is very bright.
It’s best to just acknowledge
That I am always right!
.
My logic is impeccable,
My thought processes grand.
Differing with me is clear proof
That you don’t understand.
.
So I’ll explain once again
(Since you’re all somewhat slow):
What I speak is the truth,
Because I say so.
.
Your views might be of value
If they jelled with my opinions.
Though challenges don’t suit me,
I always welcome minions.
.
Yet by small-minded drudges,
I’ve been taunted and eschewed,
For showing the stupendousness
With which I am imbued.
.
I simply cannot fathom
Why so many do not like me.
I’ve announced that I am fabulous—
How dare anyone disagree!
.
You’re all too far beneath me;
I need a brief reprieve.
Climbing back aboard my high horse,
I’ll take my humble leave.

* * *
© 2013 by M.P. Witwer. All rights reserved.

 

The Spelling Bee

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By Maggie Rascal


Some words that don’t exist, really ought to.   

“The word is ‘peppier,’ pronounced ‘pep-ee-ay’,” announced the spelling bee moderator.

“Definition, please,” replied the entrant, launching by rote into the set of questions she had been taught to ask.

“One who grinds spice onto a diner’s food at a restaurant.”

“What is the origin?”wordcloud

“‘Peppier’ is faux French.”

“Faux French?”

“Yes, that is, it is not truly a French word, but rather a made-up word pronounced in French fashion.”

“Oh, I see. Can you use it in a sentence, please?”

“Pepé, a pretentious, portly peppier with a prominent proboscis, was particularly parsimonious in peppering, his pharaonic phallus producing a paltry portion of the precious provision over my pappardelle pasta.”

“His pharaonic phallus? You do realize I’m in seventh grade, don’t you?”

“Our apologies. We can repeat the sentence without the offending terminology if you wish.”

“No thank you, that won’t be necessary. Peppier: P-E-P-P-I-E-R.”

“Congratulations, that is correct. Please take a seat with the others who have advanced.

“The next word is ‘hinge’; it rhymes with ‘thing’…”

* * *
© 2012 by M.P. Witwer • All rights reserved

A Word Geek Visits the Doctor

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By Maggie Rascal

It’s a dire diagnosis for our intrepid heroine…

“We don’t see you in here often, Maggie. What seems to be the trouble today?”

“Well, doctor, its this darn apostrophe, thats how it started but things has got alot worse in the past couple days. I should of came in sooner. I know.”

“What exactly do you mean, ‘this darn apostrophe’? I don’t see any apostrophe.”

“Precisely my point! It went missing where I want it, than shows up where you know it should ought not be.”

“Ah, I understand. Your dilemma with apostrophe usage is just part of a much larger problem. Continue reading →