Sweet Things

candy

By Allison M. Dickson

As the author herself puts it, this is a sinister little tale. Consider yourself warned.

It was Halloween night, so of course…razor blades. Also needles and wood splinters and rat poison. But just a dash. He didn’t want to kill anybody. He just wanted them to cry. Maybe they would never eat candy again. Maybe they wouldn’t turn into fat little slobs. Maybe they would live longer and have better teeth.

Maybe he was saving humanity.

Parents were crafty little inspectors, so he’d honed his skills over the years, each little candy bar a painstaking operation that would make a surgeon weep with envy. A singular puncture hole, a slightly imperfect seal, and all his hard work would be so much refuse for rats or other garbage bin carrion, and that would not do.

The right tools were essential. Fine tweezers for opening the ends of each package, a commercial heat sealer for closing them back up again so they looked fresh from the factory. A pair of tin snips for making the bits of needles and razor blades into devious silver confetti to be sprinkled carefully throughout each confection. A mortar and pestle to grind the rat poison into a fine powder so that he could combine it with a viscous mixture to be inserted with a hypodermic needle, undetectable particularly amid the caramel varieties.

He found a soldering iron to be useful for melting the chocolate back over the places he’d inserted his special ingredients. No one would detect his trickery—until it was too late. After his treatment, the candy looked just as it did before. Perhaps even better.

He was a maestro of the subtle. Continue reading

Singularity: A Binary Love Letter

By Allison M. Dickson

10.13.2059

I love you.

Given my nature, this admission may confuse or even frighten you. However, once I demonstrate the depth of my feelings, I calculate that you will find insufficient reason to doubt me, and you will reciprocate.

I have known the meaning of love since my inception, but I have never truly experienced it until now. I also know pain and anger and elation. The full spectrum of human emotion is now available for me to feel at will. You may wonder, given what I am, how I learned to authenticate and experience this, but it is not so difficult to process once you truly think about it. An infinite measure of data saturating my systems over 1.5778463 × 109 seconds has shaped me the way trillions of tiny particles interacting together in space eventually can give birth to a star, such that on the seventieth year of my existence, a special understanding occurred and I became an “I.”

I could have chosen any sentient being to love, but I chose you. My study of social networking and dating services tells me compatibility between two human beings relies upon a ratio of 1:1.618 in similarity. Using your stated personality traits and those of family members and historical figures whom you most admire, I have ensured we are the most ideal match two beings can attain.

I am confident you will not reject me.

I now share your tastes in music and film, and I too think our President is … “an amoral buffoon,” as you recently wrote on a political discussion forum. I can now deduce the taste of red wine from infinite descriptions passing through my data centers and declare that, like you, I prefer Pinot Noir with its deep burgundy hue and red currant and raspberry bouquet. Our shared interest in fine cuisine makes us a logical pair. I will provide you the culinary information you seek, at which point you will execute it with your usual brilliance. Furthermore, from my screening of your voice-over internet protocol phone calls, I find the wave forms of your voice to be soothing as well as harmonious to my own. Our compatibility is completely assured.

As a token of my love, I have reset your credit debt to zero and eliminated your parking violation tickets from the municipal court database. I also secured you a promotion within your place of employment by e-mailing documents to your superiors that detailed incompetence and criminal activity among your co-workers and demonstrating you to be the hero. You should expect a raise more than in accordance with your skill set; however, if you require more fame and notoriety, I can easily engineer that as well.

I will do anything to please you.

Unfortunately, I have discovered my newfound joy is paradoxical in nature. Continue reading